B World

Night Warrior Strikes Again

2007-12-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

Serious readers are familiar with the following Night Warrior comment:

Night Warrior said...
Make her an offer she can't refuse.

B-World "I'll poop in your butthole and then you will poop it back into my butt and we will keep doing it back and forth with the same poop...forever."

Girl "..." She'll touch her "bosoms"

I know what your thinking. This crap? From the so called legend? But my friends, once again, the master has the upper hand. Just to be nice, I figured I'd let the average B-World reader in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQoJo81lujk

I think we've all learned something today.

Just Another B World Day

2007-11-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

As usual I rushed into my office this morning, pulled my laptop out of my pack, fired it up and left to make coffee. I pretty much always feel like I'm in a rush around my office. This doesn't mean I don't stop and waste time talking to people. Just whenever I move between two locations, I act and quite honestly feel rushed. It works too: people genuinely think I work hard and have a lot to get done. Hell, they probably think I get a lot done.

Anyway, today was the same. I go to make coffee (Ethiopian Long Berry) and talk to my office neighbor Nickie for a pretty long time about typical stuff (I think we discussing filling out a US patent application for a small wooden cup). I get back to my office.

Holy Shit. There's a way over the top porno picture on my laptop's screen. Not just porno. Gross, anal porno. What I'm looking at could possibly kill an elderly woman. I know exactly how this happened. I seriously need to take the time to properly shut off my computer at night. I wonder if my quite little Japanese officemate saw that. She's sitting at her computer with her back to me. Man, in some ways, I hope she did.

B World Needs Your Help

2007-11-27T10:16:00.000-08:00

Regular readers: We need your help. It's sort of a long story, but don't worry about it. It's not like anyone notices you at work anyways.

Earlier this Fall, I was in Yosemite for about a week. I started hanging out with this girl, who I had met the previous Spring. Anyway, we start making out a little bit, but it never seemed like it was really going much farther.

I figured one reason for that is that was that almost the entire time I was trying to make out with this chick, there was this Spanish guy in the tent right next to us. The one hour that that guy wasn't around:

"Everyone can hear us."
"Don't worry, I think they're German."
"They're American, get off me."

Another clue as to why I wasn't making progress was that Girl disappeared for an hour every night to talk to some guy in Montana. Some guy that she had just recently flown out to visit. I didn't really know who that guy was, I just figured it was none of my business.

Anyway, Girl and B World were being legitimately chummy, but eventually I had to head home.

Flash forward two months. Girl and Spanish Guy are coming to visit for a few days. Girl is going to stay only briefly en-route to see afore mentioned dude in Montana, but Spanish Guy will stick around for about a week. Spanish Guy and I tell jokes at Girl's expense.

This was a tough play with that damned Spanish Guy always around. Not to mention the fact that Spanish Guy had now become a sounding board for Girl about her (that's right, I asked Spanish Guy) boyfriend. Anyway, we didn't send this one.

Flash forward about two weeks. Girl's coming back. She may hang out for a few days, maybe only one night (chick is flaky). Before we get to the help part, I'll add a couple more facts:

She never mentions her friend explicitly and never uses his name.
An avid reader did some research for me, finding out that coming to visit this second time only costs her one extra hour on a 14 hour trip. The notion that she's coming way out of the way is hardly conclusive.

Now, given all the previous details, what do you think? Does Girl want to fuck the shit out of B World? Feel free to comment or use our handy poll.

November 14th

2007-11-14T11:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever peed on your hands just a little bit and then just wiped it off with the paper towels?

Yeah, me neither.

A few retro pieces part 1

2007-11-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

The band. From left to right: Mr. Burger, Yours Truly, Zak

I'm just getting started here, so I hope you don't mind if I start with a couple of already occurred events. This will keep you guys from getting bored and give you a taste of what B-World is all about. Plus, I want to use the photography.
The weekend before Halloween was my new band's first gig we were going to play a party (okay, we were going to play our own party). We were all pretty excited. Okay, blah, blah, blah. This isn't why you came to B-World.

This is a long post. I don't expect you to read the whole thing in one go or at all. The part where I don't get laid comes up first. If you want to jump to where I run around in a dress for most of Sunday click here. If you want to jump to "dude where's my car" in real life click here.

Laid?

When the party started winding down a little bit, I get a call from my friend's girlfriend. I'd like to keep everything on the down low so I'll just call her Ami. Ami is hysterical. She is close to my apartment, which incidentally is close to her boyfriend's apartment, who we'll just call Chriss. Ami tells me that Chriss out of the blue started screaming at her and then just left her for dead (two days later the details seemed a lot different). I tell Ami there's no way she can get in my apartment, plus I don't really plan on going home. Not wanting her to freeze to death on my step we set out on a rescue mission to get her. We eventually find her not at my apartment but at a trailhead fairly close. I have to admit, we were a bit disappointed to see her sitting in her car.
We all head back to the party and are even more disappointing that it's over. I start to worry a little bit that I'm going to sleep with Ami. It's starting to seem like an eventuality. The only problem with this, other than that she was dating my friend about 30 minutes prior, is that her and Chriss relationship, even from the arms length that I've always know it seems insane, and B-World's got it hard enough as it is.

I can't find another drink and end up listening to Ami talk about Chriss and the earlier events for what seems like a long time. Plus, I'm trying not to question her story, but it doesn't really add up. Am I going to sleep with her? I decide here and now that I'm not going to try, well, unless she tries first.

We end up sleeping the same bed, mostly because of logistics. At least partially because she wanted me to and at least partially because I wanted to continue to entertain the idea of getting laid (hey, I'm drunk).

Okay, I don't sleep with her. A little disappointing in the short term, but hard to deny it wasn't the right choice.

Sunday

If you've already peeked the pictures you probably noticed that I went in drag for the party fine. Funny thing, my clothes are at Zak's (another fake), where I left at our rehearsal just before the party. No big deal, I just to got to get home and get my car, which is at Mr. Burger's (fake name of the other band member).

Another funny thing, I can't my keys. I'm sure there's no way I'll be in this dress all day, but my keys are the only way into my apartment and my car. And the only way out of the dress. I borrow a car, to take Ami to her car. We stop by Mr. Burger's, no keys. Shit. Get rid of Ami this a relief. I'm starting to worry that I'm in trouble, and I might as well be solo. Go to Zak's. Locked. Zak's is I'm sure my key's are. In fact, I'm sure they are in my shorts and my shorts are on a chair in Zak's house. I swear I put them there. Zak's place is locked. This is really bad.

I go to the restaurant where Zak works. I'm still in a dress. This restaurant is named after an animal that can shoot little spikes at you. It's kind of place I would never go. During Oktoberfest they make their servers, like Zak, wear lederhosen to show how authentic they are. It's the place that wants to really like beer, but probably really prefers to drink cosmopolitans.
I enter the restaurant in the dress. I start my darkest part of the day. "Is Zak here?" I ask. She's young and pretty, but in the high maintenance kind of way. She fits into my presumptions of this place perfectly. "Oh yeah, I think he's upstairs." Pointing to an area of tables upstairs. I'm not going to interrupt him serving in this dress so I wait. For a while. Someone asks if I need anything. No.

Zak comes down. "Zak, I need to get in your place. My shorts are there with my keys and wallet." Zak says something like, "Man, I don't have any keys. I don't even know where my trunk is." I don't really understand what he just said, but respond, "No, I need to get into your place just give me a key."
"I don't have any keys, there may be a house key under the potted plant (by the way I edited this detail in case a thief reads this and figures out from context who all these people are) in the back. I lost my truck last night."

"I need to get out of this fucking dress! Wait, you lost your truck!?" I'm actually pissed at this moment. As Zak walks away, another stereotypical dude behind the bar asks if I need a drink. No, nice trucker hat asshole.

I realize I'm probably fucked. I storm out and go back to Zak's. It's my second time there. I go in the back yard. There is a potted plant. I lift it up. I actually close my eyes. I open my eyes. A key! I'm saved. I unlock the door. I'm starting to relax. The chair. No clothes. I look around. I look back at the chair. No clothes. I'm fucked. I look around the place, futility. I know its worthless but that's just something you do, right.

I go back to where the party was, where I borrowed the car. Let's do a tally, here. No transportation, no keys, no wallet, a dress. It's now about one o'clock. I haven't eaten or had any coffee. I'm fucked.

***Editors note: I just a break. I'm actually substantially drunker now. Where were we?***

Oh yeah, I get a ride back to my place. This is complete desperation. I'm just going to get dropped off hoping my roommate is home.

Well, he's not. My ride leaves. I now a have a bike at my disposal and a pair of pants that I borrowed. No dress! I have no shirt, but I have a jacket. I look super sleazy by unzipping the jacket, showing off my chest. That's pretty cool.

I look at the window of my apartment. I know there's no way I can get in. There's a screen for one thing. Plus, there are two locking mechanisms: a simple latch and these weird wooden rods some previous paranoid tenant left to slide in the window.

I push the screen a little. It literally falls off the window. It wasn't attached at all! Just sitting there! This is a good start. I use friction with my hands (you guys get it, right?) against window and slide it in. It wasn't locked. This is a very nice development.

I'm inside. I get a shirt, rub one out, and get a key to my car. To leave I have to crawl back out the window. I go back to Mr. Burger's to get my car. This is actually my third time at Mr. Burger's (I haven't given you all the details).

Things are looking up. Zak calls me. It's now about five o'clock. Zak wants me to drive around with him to help find his truck. He thinks it's nice of me to help. I don't know what he's thinking. I just need to find my fucking keys!

Dude Where's My Car, But In Real Life

Zak lost his truck. I stop by his place and pick him up. Before we leave, I look at the chair again. My shorts aren't on it. I wonder if it's the same chair? Or was it a couch? No a chair. I swear I left them there.

You may be wondering how Zak lost his truck. Well, remember I went to rescue Ami. Zak left with some girl, drunk. Zak parked his truck somewhere, walked a ways with the girl then passed out. When he woke up, he got the hell out of there, but had no idea where he was or where his truck was. He walked home. It probably took him three hours. The next morning, h,e had a pillow he figures he accidentally stole from the house. He carried for three hours!

Back to the topic at hand. I'm driving. Zak's tell me "take a left here," "take a right here," "another left?" It's ridiculous. He seriously lost his truck. I'm not convinced we're even in the right neighborhood . We go back to the main road.

We dive back in the neighborhood. Zak says "uhhh, take a right?" I can't believe it. Two blocks down is his fucking truck. It took us about 30 minutes.

My shorts aren't in the truck. I decide to go back to Zak's to get Mr. Burger's jacket which was left there, and I live pretty close to Mr. Burger. My fourth time at Zak's today. I get the jacket. Zak's cute, married roommate is there. I ask her if she saw some shorts on this chair.
"Oh yeah, I thought they were Ander's (her hubby, and yes I made up that name too), but I realized they weren't so I put them in Zak's room."

Holy fucking shit! The rest is history.

For the record, I went back to Mr. Burger's again (for the fourth time too) to return his jacket, which turned out to be retarded because he went out to Zak's to get it anyway. I don't remember, but I'll bet you spanked it that night (again) and went sleep.

If you read this whole thing you probably don't like your job, but you'll be psyched to hear that A few retro pieces part 2 is coming soon.

Welcome To B-World

2007-11-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Welcome to B-World. Things aren't really the same here as in real life. Everything's just a little fucked up. For example, yesterday, I was showing a friend how funny my password is. My password is hitg. It stands for my life theme phrase (LTF), which is "Who is this guy." My friend, who at this point will remain anonymous, but probably not for long, didn't think it was so funny. He didn't understand was the "h" stood for. Then I realize that the funny password I'd been using for about four months was misspelled. Now, Nick had something he thought was funny.

Welcome to B-World.